Diary (Anxiety) Lyrics
Kudala ndiku-
Kudala ndikulindile
Kudala ndikulindile
Kudala ndikulindile sithandwa sam'
Sundishiya ndindodwa
Kudala ndikulindile sithandwa sam'
[Chorus: AKA & Club Havana Sample]
My moments of clarity are far and few between, dear diary, anxiety goes
I can't open up to anybody, they don't know how loud the silence is, reality
Dear diary, I'm losing my religion, my battery's low
Dear diary, I'm getting real close
That's why I'm talking to you and nobody else, dear diary
(Kudala ngikulindiwe)
(Kudala ngiku-)
Lights are on but nobody's home
(Sundishiya ndingodwa)
(Kudala ngiku)
[Verse 1: AKA]
Okay, I cannot live here, I cannot sit still
I cannot rebuild, promises unfulfilled here
I don't want to die 'cause if I go silent, who gon' feed all my children?
Nothing feels real no more
How do I fill this hole in my spirit?
I cannot hear clichés no more
Living my low life
What did you score me?
I was on top of your pyramid, that's when the pastor told me
He cannot program consequences, decisions
I be like "I'm a good Christian
Give big guap
At the robots slide down electric windows
Everyday I walk in your path
How you gon' take two weeks of the best days of my life, then steal it?", shii
Test my faith then test my sane
Personal? Or is it business?
I cannot hide in my crib forever
Tried to tie my hands behind my back so I can't feed familia
I'm gon' do when the pool is greener
Tighten my button and mean mug
This side it's the right time to clean up
Mamacita, since you left me? All of this cash is petty
How can I wear my Rolex and my Giuseppe?
How can I flex so empty?
Do you love or regret me?
(Kudala)
My moments of clarity are far and few between, dear diary, anxiety goes
I can't open up to anybody, they don't know how loud the silence is, reality
Dear diary, I'm losing my religion, my battery's low
Dear diary, I'm getting real close
That's why I'm talking to you and nobody else, dear diary
(Kudala ndikulindile)
(Kudala ndiku-)
Lights are on but nobody's home
(Sundishiya ndindodwa)
(Kudala ndiku)
[Verse 2: AKA]
Okay, I cannot feel no pain
Nothing come close to the way I feel when I go back in my memory bank and I see that frame
That shit burned my brain forever
That's where my whole life changed in the space of 30 seconds
Sunday Papers, character assassination
I cannot put my wife to shame, I pray she rests in perfection
Okay, I get it
Need someone to blame, you sent flames in my direction
But there's no time machine to rewind us backwards
She's gone
We in the present
I gave her everything that I had
How you gon' cap and not even make one phone call to my mom or my dad, after we poured the sand on the casket?
That shit is wack, passive aggressive
Never mind Bheki Cele, he wasn't even on the program
I wrote a speech then took my seat and opened that thing, my name was nowhere, imagine
It's okay, I still got that thing wrapped up in plastic
Classic
One day
My moments of clarity are far and few between, dear diary, anxiety goes
I can't open up to anybody, they don't know how loud the silence is, reality
Dear diary, I'm losing my religion, my battery's low
Dear diary, I'm getting real close
That's why I'm talking to you and nobody else, dear diary
(Kudala ndikulindile)
(Kudala ndikulindile)
Lights are on but nobody's home
(Sundishiya ndindodwa)
(Kudala ndiku)
About
On “Diary (Anxiety)” AKA samples “Kudala Ngikulindile” by Club Havana and pens the state of his feelings in the aftermath of the death and funeral of his fiancée Anele Tembe.
Anele fell to her death from the 10th floor of the Peperclub Hotel on 11th April 2021 in Capetown after accompanying AKA to a gig. AKA alleged that she died due to suicide while her father denied this and stated at her funeral that “she was not suicidal nor did she commit suicide.
In the song, AKA speaks on how he tried to go on after Anele’s passing for the sake of his family and child, feeling anxiety and how he didn’t have anyone to talk to about his feelings.
He also touches on what he felt was ill-treatment by Anele’s family when he was not allowed to give a farewell speech at the funeral despite writing one and expecting to. He also alleges that Anele’s family did not contact his parents after the funeral.
The supposed mistreatment is likely due to Anele’s family’s belief that AKA had a hand in their daughter’s death. This is further supported by a letter which came out days after AKA’s passing which the family wrote to the National Prosecuting Authority alleging that he was somehow involved in her death.
Q&A
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