Do I attract you?
Do I repulse you
With my greasy beard?

And is my perving
Slightly unnerving?
Yes, I'm a little bit weird

I can be gentle
I can be mental
I am repulsive and camp

Nobody likes me
Nobody likes me
I am a hideous tramp

My name is Matthew Kelly
I used to do Stars in Their Eyes
'Til I was sacked from the telly
After some paedophile lies

I was accused
Of having abused
A 12-year-old child
He was molested
I was arrested
There was a high profile trial

I was acquitted
No crime was committed
The jury believed my excuse
This song is over
I've got to go before somebody sues