One, two, turtles are blue
Three, four, police are a bore
Five, six, Trudi upped sticks
Seven, eight, you got no mates!

Brimstone, treacle and you
Break a leg, boy on the moon
No more Tyneside's favourite son
Jimmy Nail is number one

Reading books by Nabokov
School kids told you, "Bugger off!"
So you sung about dread and fear
You're a legal alien, dear

While you were out saving trees
Your accountant doubled his fees
Five million down the drain
Poor old teacher's got no brain!

So many crimes committed to wax
Andy's hanging up his axe
Copeland went on to equalise
Sting’s a bell boy in disguise

One, two, turtles are blue
Three, four, police are a bore
Five, six, Trudi upped sticks
Seven, eight, you got no mates!

You got no mates!
You got no mates!
You got no mates, got no mates!