Sex Offender Shuffle Lyrics
As a resident of Miami-Dade County
It is your right to know the names and likenesses of sex offenders living in your area
As a public service, we have created this video tape
So that you and your friends and family can stay aware, stay safe, and maybe even have a little fun
Enjoy!
[Chorus 1: Everyone]
The State of Florida has asked us to
Disclose our sexual crimes to you
We were bad, but now we're good
We're moving into your neighborhood
You know we're trying our best to be
Functioning members of society
We're not here to start no trouble
We're legally required to do the "Sex Offender Shuffle"
[Verse 1: Larry Arthauer]
I'm Larry Arthauer and I'll refrain
From touching my neighbor's kids again
What I did was not too kind
But I'm a nice guy, you'll come to find
I've got a backyard and a real nice pool
Y'all should come over for a barbecue
We could make some cold drinks in my blender
But do keep in mind that I'm a sex offender
Vernon Douglas is my name
My battery arrest is what brought me fame
But there's much more to know about me
I love to dance and I love to ski
I zip and zoom on through the snow
Just strap on my boots and watch me go
But I can't ski until December
'Til then, I'm just a sex offender
[Verse 3: Charles Dolling]
I'm Charles Dolling, dropping rhymes
I've been arrested seven times
I know that sounds like a lot
But three of those times were for vandalism
I feel real bad, I got caught
I might do it again, probably not
I'm not here to make pretences
I'm here because of my sex offences
[Verse 4: Sam Pound]
I'm Sam Pound, I'm number one
Apologizing for what I've done
In case you’re wondering what that was
I snuck into a bathroom and fisted my cuz
I held her down and watched her struggle
Then played with her melons because I like to juggle
I'm not here to eat no truffles
I'm just here to do the "Sex Offender Shuffle"
[Verse 5: Laura Hughes]
Hey everybody I'm Laura Hughes
Proving girls can do it too
And by it, I mean touch your cousin
Was it worth it? No it wasn't
You won't find me in your child's play set
'Cause I gotta wear this ankle bracelet
I'm not here to go on a bender
I'm here because I'm a sex offender
[Verse 6: Marc Burmholdt]
Last name Burmholdt, first name Marc
I'm moving in somewhere on your block
Not in a house, but in a van
If you need me to move it, I sure can
The last thing I want is any trouble
I've learnt my lesson from the "Sex Offender Shuffle"
[Verse 7: Arthur Chase]
I'm the one they call Arthur Chase
They said I didn't have to show my face
My first trial ended in a hung jury
If I'm found guilty they'll un-blur me
I'm not the necrophiliac Arthur Chase
That's a different Arthur Chase
I'm not here to be my own defender
I'm here because I'm possibly a sex offender
Okay, real quick, I'm not like these people, okay, this is an extortion plot by my ex-wife, who's the only witness, and she's trying to take away my kids, and if—
I'm not here to pack my duffle
I'm just here to do the "Sex Offender Shuffle"
[Chorus 2: Everyone]
The State of Florida has asked us to
Disclose our sexual crimes to you
We were bad, but now we're good
We're moving into your neighbourhood
We're obliged to admit
The crimes for which we were convicted
We're not here to start no trouble
We're legally required to do the "Sex Offender Shuffle"
About
“Sex Offender Shuffle” is a comedy skit uploaded to YouTube by Scott Gairdner on November 30th, 2009. The video has reached 50.7 million views as of September 2022.
The video is made to look like a videocassette tape from the 1980’s with an introduction by a fictional Miami-Dade County police officer. Throughout the video, nine stories are told by sex offenders from the state of Florida detailing their crimes and telling more about themselves. These crimes range from sexual battery to child molestation. Telly Polk makes a scene during his verse, claiming that his crimes were made up by his ex-wife in order to gain custody of their kids.
Scott Gairdner makes a cameo in the skit as “Vernon Douglas” and his girlfriend Erin made a cameo as “Laura Hughes.“ He released the song included in the video on his Bandcamp on August 15th, 2017. Actors in the video can be found on IMDb.
Q&A
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