[Verse 1: Lord Mingeworthy]
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A strange plant these Yankees call weed
Is it a crown?

[Verse 2: Lady Mingeworthy & Lord Mingeworthy]
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Two British orphans
And I'll decorate this thing they call weed
(That smells like shit!)

[Verse 3: Lord Mingeworthy & Lady Mingeworthy]
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Harry Potter DVD's
Two British orphans
And I'm trying to retrieve my weed
Pull harder, darling (Ahh!)

[Verse 4: Lady Mingeworthy & Lord Mingeworthy]
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Four STD's!
I can't play DVD's
I don't think I want these
And I think I'll eat this plant they call weed
Ahng-ahng-ahng-ahng-ahng-ahng

[Verse 5: Lord Mingeworthy & Lady Mingeworthy]
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Five cans of beans
Four STD's!
Can I return this, please?
Who the fuck's are these?
And I'm starting to acquire munchies (Daddy hungry!)

[Verse 6: Lady Mingeworthy & Lord Mingeworthy]
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Existential crisis
Five cans of beans!
I'm sure you gave me these!
I'll wear these DVD's
I'm selling these babies
And I shall eat the next thing that looks at me

[Verse 7: Lord Mingeworthy & Lady Mingeworthy]
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me (Here you go!)
I don't think I like this
Existential crisis
Five cans of, oh yeah
They don't have cures for these!
Oh God, it's in Chinese!
You have all the skills you need
And I think I'm in a human centipede
No, you're high, darling

[Verse 8: Lady Mingeworthy & Lord Mingeworthy]
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eight minutes fucking!
Tell me if you like this
Ahhh, existential crisis!
Five cans of beans
You gave me STD's
You gave me DVD's!
They kidnapped our babies
Well I'm too high to find them, call the police, please

[Verse 9: Lord Mingeworthy & Lady Mingeworthy]
On the ninth day of Christmas, you see, my true love gave to me
Nine cavities
Eight minutes milking
You told me you liked this!
Existential crisis!
Five cans- uh, please, no more, ughh
I don't need herpes
I fucking hate Dobby
They want ransom money
And I don't think this was a Christmas turkey, shit!

[Verse 10: Lady Mingeworthy & Lord Mingeworthy]
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Ten minutes on his knees!
Nine cavities
Eight pints of tit piss
I don't think we can sell this
Existential crisis
Five- a-huh, oh shit
These warts have amplified!
Oh thank God Dobby died
I'll Venmo you tonight
And I think I just committed homicide, shit

[Verse 11: Lord Mingeworthy & Lady Mingeworthy]
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eleven hours fighting
Ten minutes on his knees!
You struck my cavities!
My breast milk sold on eBay!
How am I to ship this?
Existential crisis
Five cans of beans! (So sorry, dear)
I have STD's!
I'm so Hermione
Those fuckers lied to me
What the fuck did they put in this weed?
I think weed

[Verse 12: Lady Mingeworthy & Lord Mingeworthy]
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A year of couples' counseling
Eleven hours fighting
Ten minutes on his knees!
Begging D-force, please
We got five stars on this!
Next time, we should sell piss
That'll cure my crisis!
I'm never eating beans again
Four more STD's
Well, fuck those DVD's!
I'm over those babies
And that's the last time I'll ever do a weed