[Intro: Hall Monitor Helen]
There's a river in these pants
There's a river in these pants
There's a river in these pants
There's a river in my pants

[Verse 1: Hall Monitor Helen]
Hall Monitor by day
Crossing guard by later in the day
OnlyFans by night
If I could find a man who's willing to pay
I hate all kids, they've got ass-like faces
I steal their lunches so they know their places
Oh fuck! This cheese went bad in July
Now my bowels' provoking
This pussy is dry, but this ass is soaking
I don't got a hall pass, but I'll jump on a toilet anyhow
If you plan on eating this ass, better plan on drinking it now
So grab a mop and a priest for this wet-ass ass
Toilet paper won't do shit for my wеt-ass ass
You'll need a lifeguard and a floatie for my wet-ass ass
If you can smеll, I'll turn you queer with this wet-ass ass

[Verse 2: Cathy the Mom]
You're talking to mama now, my pussy earned me that title
It pops out more mistakes than a fifth-grade recital
I don't care about your kids, bitch, I don't care about mine
My pussy's wrecked, and now it looks like it was written by R.L. Stine
But I keep this ass wet when I'm scrubbing my kitchen
Because I use my ass and hole when I'm scrubbing 'n' pinching
So if you see this ass wet, you know mama's got a clean kitchen
And if you try and dry me off
I'll grab your asshole and start stitching
I clean up all my problems with this wet-ass ass
Tell Noah to load his ark, 'cause mama's got a wet-ass ass
Fed my baby Taco Bell, and- woo! Wet-ass ass
If you talk back, I'ma wash your mouth out with this wet-ass ass

[Verse 3: Bryce Tankthrust]
Look at me, worship me, on your knees
Can't you see my panties are filled with big dick energy
I make money and I get dick too
Your husband's dick was the last I screwed
We fucked for one minute but he came for five
Paramedics asked if he's dead or alive
I have thirsty employees
They're paid so much, they eat my ass for free
If you wanna get on my good side then eat this ass
If you wanna taste my good side, oh, then eat my ass
If want a raise then-
Bitch, you're gonna get off your fucking ass
And earn it with hard work and showing up on time, motherfucker-
And then you're gonna eat this ass
As if you took a class
On how to finish me fast
I don't wanna be hearing no sass

[Chorus: All]
Now grab a boat and say your prayers 'cause I got a wet-ass ass
Maybe I peed, maybe I didn't, that's my wet-ass ass
I'm not going into labor, that's a wet-ass ass
And if your lips are chapped, just kiss my wet-ass ass

[Outro: Hall Monitor Helen]
There's a river in these pants
There's a river in these pants
There's a river in these pants