The Beat

One possible clue is that "Standard Leader" was a rank in the SS. In light of all his other references to fascism, it seems significant. If nothing else, I can't figure out another way to make that line make sense.

Similarly: -- "Vigilantes...out to collar me" -- "On the beat" -- "Your friends," which strikes me as a reference to the vigilantes -- "Though you never enjoy, such a pleasure to employ," and you know, "swallow me" -- Most of the last verse

This all strikes me as a conversation between an authority figure and some person that he is sexually abusing.

Honestly, I've always thought this was about masturbation. Actually, I still kind of do, although it has a roundabout way of hitting that topic.

Could be...masturbating but idly wishing for a relationship; "waiting for a call". Good point.

sounds to me like it's ec and his friend's interest in exploring gay sex

"anybody want to swallow me?"

"till a man comes along and says have you been a good boy.... see your friends getting taken in"

"there's only one thing with you befriending me, take it easy I think you're beding me"

"I don't want to disease you..."

"I don't want to be a lover, I just want to be your victim"

This song is definitely about a clergyman sexually abusing a child.

Those are some interesting ideas. I thought the song is another sarcastic take on casual sexual relationships that the Attractions may have been experiencing as a touring rock band. I heard lines 3-4 as "Heard somebody say, 'I took all of my/ antibodies, want to swallow me?'" I inferred this to mean that someone previously had the clap, but has taken medication to cure it. This is basically telling the potential sexual partner that "I'm clear" and that she is not at risk to get the STD.

Another one of Costello's love-as-police-state songs (cf "Two Little Hitlers" off Armed Forces, which was originally called Emotional Fascism). Full of military puns (The masterful police/masturbation reference of the title, "victim", "vigilantes", "confuse the enemy", and the aforementioned "standard leader"). "never played with your toy" is another masturbation reference, and "Oh, I don't want to disease you, but I'm no good with machinery" is possibly about condoms? It's hard to tell.

Summer holiday or "Soma holiday?????" (Brave New World)

and "Oh, I don't want to disease you, but I'm no good with machinery" is possibly about condoms? It's hard to tell. <<

Clearly about condoms - absolutely no doubt.

A lot of his early songs, the ones from the first three albums, seem to be about a young man's reaction to getting started with sex, the amazement and the frustrations; the jealousies and the the insecurities. Now EC is 55 and I'm 50 and we're both past all that - but these songs still speak to me - I can so clearly recall those days!

The first time i read the lyrics i thought it might be about an assassin, but many of the other alternatives here seem more likely.